by Jane Hindman, Attorney
For many couples facing divorce, their top concern is the children. They wonder how to tell the children. They worry the children will feel the divorce is their fault. They may wonder how they will manage to co-parent the children while living in separate homes. They may worry about whether there will be bitterness and acrimony arising from the divorce making it hard to co-parent successfully. Collaborative Divorce is a process that helps address all these concerns.
When parents decide to use the Collaborative Divorce process, they are committing to working through the divorce with several team members. Although there can be variations on how many professionals are on the team, the recommended arrangement uses the assistance of two attorneys, two divorce coaches, a child specialist, and a financial specialist. These professionals each have their own role to play in helping ensure the couple comes out of their divorce able to co-parent in a loving, mature and consistent way.
Child Specialist
The role of the child specialist is to talk to and observe the children and be the voice of the child in the Collaborative Divorce Process. The child specialist then reports back to the team, including the parents, on what was observed. He or she will present to the team what they think the child’s needs are and what would work best for the child. This can be extremely helpful as this is a neutral expert trained in discerning children’s needs who is seeking to present them in an unbiased manner.
Attorneys
The role of the attorneys in a Collaborative Divorce is quite different than the role of attorneys in a traditional, litigated divorce. In Collaborative Divorce, each attorney should support their client by advising on the law but also advising on how to make things run more smoothly with the other parent. In a litigated divorce, an attorney might support their client in trying to keep the other parent from seeing the children, or from spending much time with them. The litigator might support arguing over petty things in order to make the opposing client look bad. In Collaborative Divorce, it’s really the opposite. The collaborative attorney will explain that it’s important for the children to have frequent and continuing contact with both parents, and will try to defuse tensions rather than exacerbate them.
Financial Specialist
Like the child specialist, the financial specialist is a neutral. His or her role is to help the parents understand their finances. The financial specialist will also present scenarios based upon the parents’ ideas on how they might want to divide their assets and debts and how they might wish to share their income. In doing so, the financial specialist will always have in mind the needs of the children and how the finances affect them. For instance, who will pay for what extracurricular activities and how much? What about private school? Is how to pay for college something the parents wish to agree upon in advance? This is important because it will help prevent arguments over money later on that could derail the parents’ attempts to co-parent effectively.
Coaches
Each parent will have a collaborative coach on his or her team. A coach is a mental health professionals who is also trained in the Collaborative Divorce process. The role of the coach is to help the parent determine what the parent’s goals are as far as his or her life and parenting during and after the divorce process. Both coaches and both parents will also meet together to help the couple agree on what goals they share for their co-parenting relationship going forward. The coaches will also be in the room during “full team” meetings. These are meetings where the parents and their teams of professionals discuss and come to resolution on various topics related to the divorce. The coaches will help their clients manage their emotions, modulate their tone, and choose their words carefully so as not to push the buttons of their soon-to-be ex-spouse. This is very helpful in making sure the parents can reach agreement on all matters.
The coaches help the parents agree upon rules such as ‘no disparaging the other parent’ and help them decide how they will communicate with each other about the children. The coaches also advise the parents on how to create a united front, which will discourage the children from playing them against each other. Even if the parents do not agree that they will do things exactly the same in each of their homes, it is important to discuss how they will be doing things so each is aware of the rules the other parent will set for the children when with them.
It is also important to agree on a parenting time-share schedule that is as specific as possible. If parents just agree “we will share our children’s time 50-50” that is bound to create disagreements that will interfere with co-parenting. Considering things like whether the children will be raised with any religion and how and when to introduce the children to new significant others are also important. All of this specificity may seem to some parents unnecessary, but collaborative practitioners have learned from experience that setting up expectations and agreements in advance prevents a lot of disagreements later down the road.
Remember, even though you are getting divorced from each other, the children will remain both of yours to share for the rest of your lives. Even after they are adults, there may be weddings and grandchildren and other life events that will involve both of you. Co-parenting well when the children are younger will model healthy behavior for them for their own adult relationships. And setting a healthy co-parenting foundation early will ensure that even once the children are adults, you and your ex-spouse can manage family events smoothly and without discord.