After much waiting and debating, internally and externally, the divorce is underway. You and your spouse have broken the news to the kids. The family system faces many changes and the family system will bend and creak and sway during the transformation from one home to two.
As a parent, this can be a particularly tricky time to navigate: not only are you faced with your reactions to the changes unfolding, but you also will face the reactions of each child.
What can you do to weather this emotional storm and show up as the parent you want to be?
Embrace Grace
Give yourself grace to make mistakes, meltdown, forget things and be less than perfect. Show that same grace to your kids.
If your kids are changing houses, their things will likely be left by accident. Given Murphy’s Law, those things will be critically needed at the house where those things are not. Your kids may forget who is picking them up after school and be at the wrong location. Socks will disappear more rapidly and somehow there are more dogs eating homework.
Change is hectic and bumpy. Once you and the kids settle into the new routines, many of the bumps will smooth out. Be understanding and kind to yourself and your kids when things don’t go as planned.
Embrace the World of Mental Health
Find high quality online resources, books, podcasts and/or professionals to assist in the various ways the divorce is affecting the kids.
Divorce is a major life event for adults and kids. In the midst of it, you may find your kids:
-sleeping more or less
- eating more or less
- more irritable or angry
- more clingy
- complain of headaches or stomach aches
- withdraw and spend more time alone
- complain and meltdown about little things
- have a hard time with homework
- don’t want to sleep in their own room
- cry easily
If these behaviours persist for more than 2 weeks, consider adding some support. There are 3 types of mental health professionals who could be useful to your child during the divorce adjustment and exhibiting these changes.
One, a child or adolescent therapist can provide an initial assessment to help get your child on their way to calmer, happier days. This same person can also provide therapy, aiming to meet the goals set for behaviours and/or mood. This type of therapist stays with your child until symptoms subside.
Two, a school therapist can provide an initial assessment and provide therapy. This person is limited to the school calendar and wraps up therapy, typically, in April. A school therapist may or may not return the next school year, so your child is not guaranteed continuity of care. School therapy is a free service. It is not guaranteed your child will receive the services.
The third option is a parent coach (make sure they are a licensed mental health professional). This professional tends to be a better option for kids who are melting down or angry often. The parent coach works with both parents on how to assist the child in managing their emotions and behaviors. Parent coaches often come to the home to observe and offer real-time interventions. This option is about empowering parents to navigate the difficult behaviors or emotions exhibited by your child.
Embrace Cushions
If you really feel inclined, embrace literal cushions or stuffies or pets! After all, research says that holding your pet or a stuffed animal actually releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of calm and well-being. It can also help reduce cortisol, the stress hormone.
What I’m referring to here are time and space buffers. Leaving one place or activity and going to another can be difficult for lots of different reasons and kids. Buffer transitions to school and extracurriculars with extra time so that if your little one (or big one) melts down, you have time to manage the meltdown. You will be in a calmer state when your kiddo is not if you build in time for managing their emotions. Your calm state will communicate that the child’s distress does not cause you distress. Providing some extra time at transitions will provide you bandwidth to respond to your child’s dysregulation, with the intention of reducing everyone’s stress levels.
Cushion bigger transitions like changing from mom’s house to dad’s with bigger cushions. A cushion of time would mean allowing for a meltdown or even a sweet like your child wanting to show you the new goldfish they got at mom’s or a picture they drew. Give yourself and your child the gift of time to savor sweet surprises, those precious moments your kid wants to share something important to them with you. A tight deadline at big transitions, like moving from one house to the other, can preclude bonding moments as well as add pressure to your child’s tearful goodbye, dilly-dallying, obstinance or a forgotten favorite stuffed animal.
A cushion of space would be giving your kids time to adjust to the new house. Essentially, you are providing space for your child to adjust to the new space. Developing a ritual can help kids move mentally and emotionally into a new space. The ritual can be frolic-y and fun or calming. A fun ritual is something like the parent hiding a favorite object in the living room for the kids to find it when they walk in. A calmer ritual would be the parent reading one chapter from a book the kids chose. For teens, a cushion of space could mean giving them independent time to regulate themselves, not forcing a ritual or time together.
In a Collaborative Divorce, you will have mental health professional as part of your team. Though this professional will not provide treatment to your child, they can connect you to resources and provide information about parenting that changes the course of your divorce for the better. You have a professional that is looking out for your well-being and the well-being of the family.
More resources are available on this site and www.collbarotivedivorcecalifornia.com.
— by Melissa Lenon, LMFT