By Beth Proudfoot, LMFT
Collaborative Communications Coach
One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is learning how to communicate effectively with their co-parenting partners. There are good reasons for this. Oftentimes, there were communication and problem-solving issues during the marriage. And, especially at the beginning, feelings on both sides can be running high, and trust can be at an all-time low. Because of this, many divorced parents despair about ever being able to work together as a team on the most important job they’ll ever have, the raising of their children.
Despite the challenges, though, I have seen many parents establish great working relationships with their exes after divorce by treating their co-parenting job like a business and being sure their relationship with each other is ruled by basic business etiquette. Their secret to learning new ways to communicate? Editing!
Like your boss’s boss, your ex wants you to get to the point quickly. They certainly are not going to take kindly to you laying any blame on their doorstep. And they are the very last person in the world to whom you should be going for emotional support. What does that leave? Just the essential communication you need to be effective in the business of raising your children.
Here are all of the elements of a communication which have no place in a polite business/co-parenting communication. These are the things to edit OUT:
- Your feelings.
- Even the teensiest bit of blame or trying to make your co-parent take responsibility for their actions.
- Defensiveness when your ex tries to blame you or make you take responsibility for your actions. Many people think that they are correcting the record when their ex has said something outrageous. No one is keeping score. No correction is needed. Ignore it.
- “But.” This is a tricky one. Do your best to change every “but” to “and” and see how this simple replacement can completely change the tone.
Doing this kind of editing makes communications short, pithy and to the point. It can be tricky to truly edit out all the non-essentials, and it can require practice before you get it completely right. While you’re learning business-like communication, it can help to write your natural, old-style communication first, then edit out all of the above.
Once you’ve gotten good at this, you can add one thing while you’re editing: teamwork language.
- “You and I are on the same page about this.”
- “I agree.”
- “We are a united front on this issue.”
Here’s an example:
Old-style email regarding a problem:
“Joey wasn’t wearing any socks again when I picked him up today. This makes me furious. He’s starting to get a great big blister on his heel. He says he doesn’t have any clean socks at your house. They are less than $10 for a pack of three at CVS. I know you think he is old enough to choose his own clothes, but this is ridiculous!”
Old-style response to the above email:
“Joey is 10 years old and everybody in his crowd wears sneakers without socks. If you had any clue you would know this. He has 12 pairs of socks in his drawer. I refuse to be the sock police…but it seems like you’ve got that role down.”
Ugh. Is this problem going to be solved? I don’t think so! I think this whole skirmish has just been one of many continuing battles between Joey’s parents…and blisters are going to be the least of his problems. It helps to consider the goal of the communication before you edit. With the end goal in mind, especially the long-term goal of having a great working relationship with your ex, the editing becomes easier.
Okay, here’s the “instead” example:
Business-like email regarding a problem:
“Joey has a blister on his heel from wearing his sneakers without socks. Do you think we should have a rule about having to wear socks every day?”
Business-like response:
“Apparently, his crowd thinks it’s “cool” to go sockless. I will tell him we are on the same page about wearing socks every day. Maybe a compromise is that he can roll them down?”
Now, either parent can go to Joey and say, “Your other parent and I have talked about it, and you have to wear socks every day to prevent blisters. We’re okay with you rolling them down if you want to look cool.” Can you see that Joey is going to be feeling like his parents are working together to take care of him? He may grumble. He may make more tries to pit one parent against the other. But if this kind of thing happens often, he will feel safe to be a kid.
It only takes one person to change a relationship. It doesn’t matter if your ex doesn’t know how to edit. When the tone and content of your communication changes, theirs will change as well. If you find that you are making mistakes and leaving in the stuff that should have been edited out (you’ll know because you’ll get a snarky comment in return), try waiting for at least 24 hours, then trying again. You can also designate a friend to be your external editor. There may be emotional language or subtle blaming messages in there that you can’t see, but someone on the outside can. As with any new skill, developing business-like communication post-divorce can take hard work, but the benefits to your children are priceless.